On how I learned what love wasn't
Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a man who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room wherever we were. He had dreamy eyes, a wandering mind, and he made me think of David from Michelangelo. Let's call him Dreamy Eyes.
I had just arrived in a new country, I was younger, naive, and braver. I had no idea about the dating game rules (9 years later, I still feel clueless about how it's done here. I am head over feet for Quebec but some things about its culture still remain a mystery.), After a few parties together, with a false sense of courage given by alcohol, I made the first move. I should have known a decision made under the influence wasn't a good one.
After a few months together, I believed I was in love with Dreamy Eyes. Spoiler alert, It was a one way kind of love with an expiry date. On a rainy spring day, Dreamy Eyes dumped me. It was brutal. I hadn't seen it coming. All of a sudden my heart felt heavy, my head foggy, it was as if despair materialized and came to enfold me like a blanket.
Back then, I was in a dark place, and I was holding onto that relationship tightly because it was the only thing in my life that was still somewhat working. I thought I was at the bottom of a black hole, then everything fell apart and I found myself free falling in a dark bottomless pit. That darkness robbed me of any ounce of joy, peace and hope I had, I was an empty shell that lost its soul. If a dementor was a living creature I guess that's what it would have felt like to be kissed by it.
After a few months this soul sucking hole turned into my house. I made friends with the darkness that was visiting me daily. It became a familiar presence, one I got used to and expected. We turned into an old couple, one in which familiarity breeds contempt; it was a relationship that I grew tired of. It was time to do something so I embarked on a quest to let go of this friend. It would be my revenge, my turn to dump this burden I had been dragging for so long, come back like a phoenix and set myself free at last.
My quest brought me to a Vipassana silent meditation retreat. My friend told me it was very tough, almost like being in prison for 10 days. In true Sarah fashion who can't do things halfway I was done at "hard silent retreat." So, I enrolled and made my way to the closest Vipassana center.
I sat in silence for 10 days. I observed my thoughts for 10 days. It was anything, but silent. It wasn't a state of pure bliss, there was no good vibes and kindness emanating from me unlike longterm meditators. It was brutal. I was stuck in a battlefield, one produced by my mind, struck by multiple tornadoes at once. It was a deafening silence. The stream of thoughts was never-ending; my mind was a slave at the mercy of incessant emerging thoughts and emotions. Then, I became accustomed to the noise, and the real work began: just observing, getting distracted by thoughts, trying again, and navigating on this infinite loop of paying attention, getting distracted, realizing it, trying again and again.
I was insecure, needing their approval to boost my self-esteem. My sense of worth was tied to their opinion of me rather than coming from within. In other words, I didn't believe I was worthy unless a man deemed me good enough to be with. The saddest part was that I viewed men as a means of validating my self-worth, rather than appreciating them for who they were and being genuinely curious about their true selves. I was obviously unaware of this pattern, being able to see it so plainly was a shocking salvation.
Accepting this truth was not easy. Only after making peace with myself for all that baggage was I able to let go of that darkness I was carrying. There I was, in that dark silent room, releasing that old friend and at last I could be free from the attachment I thought I had to Dreamy Eyes.
​
It's painful to accept that I had to go through so many breakups to learn and grow. I often wondered, "Come on, God, haven't I had enough already? Can't you teach me in other ways? Does it always have to be through heartbreak? " The darker the place, the bigger the lesson.
So what is Love ? I'm honestly not sure anymore.
After that realization, I thought love in a romantic relationship was when I wanted to be the best version of myself to be worthy of my partner. But the more I think about it, the more I see that it's just the other side of the same coin. It's still wanting something external to feel worthy, to please my ego.
I'm not sure what love is anymore. I can recognize it when I feel it but I can't quite grasp it's essence with words. I can't find a definitive answer to that question that has been troubling me for years now. And maybe it's ok that I don't have the answer yet. Maybe asking the question and having the courage to walk on the path of not knowing is more important than the answer. Or maybe I'm just a clueless girl asking existential questions that are too complex for my own brain to comprehend.
​
Maybe love, is like life in this way, a continuous journey filled with uncertainty and opportunity for exploration and growth.
It felt like I was undergoing open-heart surgery without anesthesia, except I was the patient, the surgeon, and the observer all at once. I looked at myself and saw all the mistakes I had made in my life, to myself and to others. It was a new kind of pain and disgust I had never felt before, because it was enlightening and hopefull, at the same time.
By the end of those 10 days, I had an epiphany. I had never been in love in my entire life. The hard truth was that I was in love with how the men I had been in a relationship with made me feel. In other words, I was attached to the pleasing sensations I had when I was around them.
Stay wild & don't forget it's ok to ask uncomfortable questions